I’m learning a lot lately about standing up for myself; and
about believing in the confidence that God has given me.
I’m learning what it looks like to stand up for myself,
making sure that I’m being honest, genuine, and real to who I am; but in also
remaining respectful to the thoughts and opinions of others. Learning how to live without conforming
myself to the way that others behave or live their lives. While healthily living out my life in a way
that pleases God over man.
I’m a people-pleaser.
I like to make people happy, and I hate it when I feel like I’ve let people
down. And sometimes that can be a good
thing, but sometimes it’s not so helpful to me.
In looking back over the last five years of my life, I’ve spent a decent
amount of time conforming my own beliefs, opinions, and behaviors to match
those of others. Simply as an act of
avoiding conflict and tension, in hopes of being accepted by people. I haven’t conformed to dumb things, like drinking
or doing drugs. But more like conforming
by changing the ways I act with each group of people I’m with. Or by saying or doing something that a person
wants me to do, or is manipulating me to do, so they’ll get off my back.
This last week I had a challenging, awkward (and also terrifying)
opportunity to stand up for myself in my relationship with God. I was faced with a situation where I was being
told to do something by a leader-type figure that I didn’t feel okay about
doing in my heart. It wasn’t something I
would be comfortable doing; it wasn’t something that’s even in my character to
do if I were in a room by myself. And it
wasn’t something that I needed to do for God to love and accept me.
It was a super weird situation, as I’ve never really “held
my ground” to a person before; but I realized I had two options. I could just do what the leader was telling
me to do just to please him and avoid tension, even though it felt forced,
fake, and dishonest in my heart. Or I
could stand up for myself and do what I felt God was leading me to do, remaining
honest and genuine in the way I handled the situation, but in-turn creating a
lot of tension.
Despite my phobia of conflict and tension, I chose the
latter. And though it felt awful at the
time (I ended up crying and ran out of the room afterwards) I’m so glad I did
it. Because a year ago, I wouldn’t have
known even where to begin in standing up for myself. I didn’t have the confidence in myself that I
was doing the right thing, and I would’ve spent days questioning whether or not
it was my place to stick to my beliefs. And
I didn’t have the faith in God that he was urging my heart to do what was best
for me.
But realizing this has really made me excited. Because for the first time in a long time, I
feel like I have the confidence to speak out what I believe in. And I finally have the confidence and the
trust in God that what I feel He’s pushing me to do is the right thing. The thing He wants me to do. It’s made me so encouraged, because a year
ago I would have conformed to whatever this person’s views were. Just so I wouldn’t have to be in conflict or
tension. But today I will stick up for
myself and fight for what God wants for me.
I’ll fight to be a woman of nobility, trust, and wisdom in the Lord.
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