Cost Of The Call

The past week God has been reminding me of the call he's placed on my life, and what that looks like.  What it means in my day-to-day life.  What it means in fully surrendering my life to Him, that things might not always be easy but will always be worth it.  How it looks for me to fulfill the call he's placed in my life.


Honestly, it's been really hard for me the last week to think about the few obvious callings God has called me to in life.  Those obvious callings including being a wife and a mom, ministering to those in the entertainment and fashion industries, and teaching girls about their beauty and identity in Christ.


It's been hard because the last week I've truly felt afraid and under-qualified to even attempt to follow through in those things.  Especially to minister to those in the entertainment and fashion industries.  Because I've felt like I don't necessarily have the confidence or the ability to "measure up" to how beautiful or how poised or how well-spoken models, actresses, and others in the industries seem to be.


Tuesday evening of last week was a huge stretch.  I had my very first opportunity to attend Models For Christ, a ministry for Christians in the fashion and entertainment industries that I hope to work with more this fall.  I was so excited.  Literally, it was my first free Tuesday evening from classes in SOMD and I'd thought about it from the moment I woke up that morning.  I couldn't wait to share God's love and encourage the people I would get to encounter that evening.


But once I got there, all of my hopes to share with these models, actresses, fashion designers, etc. were gone.  With every beautiful model who walked into the room, I felt more and more inferior.  And more and more insecure.  And I actually ended up feeling the crummiest I think I've ever felt towards myself.  The longer I was there, the more lies the enemy fed me.  And the more lies the enemy fed me, the more I started to believe them.  And it was some pretty preposterous stuff.  I began to believe lies about absurd things, including that I could never be as beautiful, as successful, as fun/lively, or as knowledgeable in the Bible as the women in the room.  Or that I'd never be desirable to any men in the room, because I wasn't as beautiful as the other women. 


Let me tell you... this was not fun.  Arriving with such excitement and anticipation to be able to encourage and build up my brothers and sisters in the industry, only to end up being completely torn down and defeated myself.  Without first even being able to speak life to any of them.  I left feeling like I'd failed myself, the friend I'd gone to Models For Christ with, and God.  I was so angry at myself for letting the enemy feed me such bogus stuff that is so far from the truth that God says about me.  It was quite discouraging.


But through some amazing words of wisdom from a couple of friends who are very dear to me, God showed me what a blessing this pain I'd felt actually was.  I had the opportunity to experience some pretty terrible feelings about myself that probably all of the women at Models For Christ deal with on a daily basis; whether at a photo shoot or a casting call, they're picked apart piece-by-piece all the time.  In fact, they're fed lies about themselves not only by the enemy but also by coworkers, agents, managers, directors, photographers, and all kinds of people they might run into in their line of work.  It's one thing to have negative thoughts running through your head, but negative comments spoken out loud reach an entirely different level of destruction. 


So now, not only can I be extremely thankful to God that I've only experienced these crazy-intense and negative thoughts about myself once... but in knowing the lies that the enemy fed me that night, I now have more of an idea of how to pray and intercede for those in the fashion and entertainment industries on a daily basis.  Because I now have a more-detailed idea of the lies that these men and women face, I am even more excited and passionate to continue in pursuing God's call on my life.  This experience reminded me that following God isn't promised to be easy, but it's worth it.  No doubt about that.  

"Jesus didn't die to make your life comfortable, but to make it dangerous.  

Let Jesus come off the cross and into your life."  

- Darrow Miller