Gaining Confidence & Security in Christ

I’m learning a lot lately about standing up for myself; and about believing in the confidence that God has given me. 

I’m learning what it looks like to stand up for myself, making sure that I’m being honest, genuine, and real to who I am; but in also remaining respectful to the thoughts and opinions of others.  Learning how to live without conforming myself to the way that others behave or live their lives.  While healthily living out my life in a way that pleases God over man.

I’m a people-pleaser.  I like to make people happy, and I hate it when I feel like I’ve let people down.  And sometimes that can be a good thing, but sometimes it’s not so helpful to me.  In looking back over the last five years of my life, I’ve spent a decent amount of time conforming my own beliefs, opinions, and behaviors to match those of others.  Simply as an act of avoiding conflict and tension, in hopes of being accepted by people.  I haven’t conformed to dumb things, like drinking or doing drugs.  But more like conforming by changing the ways I act with each group of people I’m with.  Or by saying or doing something that a person wants me to do, or is manipulating me to do, so they’ll get off my back.

This last week I had a challenging, awkward (and also terrifying) opportunity to stand up for myself in my relationship with God.   I was faced with a situation where I was being told to do something by a leader-type figure that I didn’t feel okay about doing in my heart.  It wasn’t something I would be comfortable doing; it wasn’t something that’s even in my character to do if I were in a room by myself.  And it wasn’t something that I needed to do for God to love and accept me.

It was a super weird situation, as I’ve never really “held my ground” to a person before; but I realized I had two options.  I could just do what the leader was telling me to do just to please him and avoid tension, even though it felt forced, fake, and dishonest in my heart.  Or I could stand up for myself and do what I felt God was leading me to do, remaining honest and genuine in the way I handled the situation, but in-turn creating a lot of tension. 

Despite my phobia of conflict and tension, I chose the latter.  And though it felt awful at the time (I ended up crying and ran out of the room afterwards) I’m so glad I did it.  Because a year ago, I wouldn’t have known even where to begin in standing up for myself.  I didn’t have the confidence in myself that I was doing the right thing, and I would’ve spent days questioning whether or not it was my place to stick to my beliefs.  And I didn’t have the faith in God that he was urging my heart to do what was best for me. 

But realizing this has really made me excited.  Because for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have the confidence to speak out what I believe in.  And I finally have the confidence and the trust in God that what I feel He’s pushing me to do is the right thing.  The thing He wants me to do.  It’s made me so encouraged, because a year ago I would have conformed to whatever this person’s views were.  Just so I wouldn’t have to be in conflict or tension.  But today I will stick up for myself and fight for what God wants for me.  I’ll fight to be a woman of nobility, trust, and wisdom in the Lord.

Cost Of The Call

The past week God has been reminding me of the call he's placed on my life, and what that looks like.  What it means in my day-to-day life.  What it means in fully surrendering my life to Him, that things might not always be easy but will always be worth it.  How it looks for me to fulfill the call he's placed in my life.


Honestly, it's been really hard for me the last week to think about the few obvious callings God has called me to in life.  Those obvious callings including being a wife and a mom, ministering to those in the entertainment and fashion industries, and teaching girls about their beauty and identity in Christ.


It's been hard because the last week I've truly felt afraid and under-qualified to even attempt to follow through in those things.  Especially to minister to those in the entertainment and fashion industries.  Because I've felt like I don't necessarily have the confidence or the ability to "measure up" to how beautiful or how poised or how well-spoken models, actresses, and others in the industries seem to be.


Tuesday evening of last week was a huge stretch.  I had my very first opportunity to attend Models For Christ, a ministry for Christians in the fashion and entertainment industries that I hope to work with more this fall.  I was so excited.  Literally, it was my first free Tuesday evening from classes in SOMD and I'd thought about it from the moment I woke up that morning.  I couldn't wait to share God's love and encourage the people I would get to encounter that evening.


But once I got there, all of my hopes to share with these models, actresses, fashion designers, etc. were gone.  With every beautiful model who walked into the room, I felt more and more inferior.  And more and more insecure.  And I actually ended up feeling the crummiest I think I've ever felt towards myself.  The longer I was there, the more lies the enemy fed me.  And the more lies the enemy fed me, the more I started to believe them.  And it was some pretty preposterous stuff.  I began to believe lies about absurd things, including that I could never be as beautiful, as successful, as fun/lively, or as knowledgeable in the Bible as the women in the room.  Or that I'd never be desirable to any men in the room, because I wasn't as beautiful as the other women. 


Let me tell you... this was not fun.  Arriving with such excitement and anticipation to be able to encourage and build up my brothers and sisters in the industry, only to end up being completely torn down and defeated myself.  Without first even being able to speak life to any of them.  I left feeling like I'd failed myself, the friend I'd gone to Models For Christ with, and God.  I was so angry at myself for letting the enemy feed me such bogus stuff that is so far from the truth that God says about me.  It was quite discouraging.


But through some amazing words of wisdom from a couple of friends who are very dear to me, God showed me what a blessing this pain I'd felt actually was.  I had the opportunity to experience some pretty terrible feelings about myself that probably all of the women at Models For Christ deal with on a daily basis; whether at a photo shoot or a casting call, they're picked apart piece-by-piece all the time.  In fact, they're fed lies about themselves not only by the enemy but also by coworkers, agents, managers, directors, photographers, and all kinds of people they might run into in their line of work.  It's one thing to have negative thoughts running through your head, but negative comments spoken out loud reach an entirely different level of destruction. 


So now, not only can I be extremely thankful to God that I've only experienced these crazy-intense and negative thoughts about myself once... but in knowing the lies that the enemy fed me that night, I now have more of an idea of how to pray and intercede for those in the fashion and entertainment industries on a daily basis.  Because I now have a more-detailed idea of the lies that these men and women face, I am even more excited and passionate to continue in pursuing God's call on my life.  This experience reminded me that following God isn't promised to be easy, but it's worth it.  No doubt about that.  

"Jesus didn't die to make your life comfortable, but to make it dangerous.  

Let Jesus come off the cross and into your life."  

- Darrow Miller

Recent Photos

3/14 of Team Chile! :)

 Girls' Night with fellow students at the Americana in Glendale

From the "Beauty Arise" Breakfast

The ladies who put together the breakfast :)  Love them.

 Fubi and I after celebrating her birthday! :)

 Elyse and I wearing paper mustaches.

The girls at dinner celebrating Fubi's birthday. :)

SOMD - Winkie Pratney

"If you want to know the state of a nation, study its entertainment.  It's the one thing people do not need to live 

but will still always pay money for." 

- Winkie Pratney

Last week we had a speaker in school named Winkie Pratney.  This guy is a crazy-intelligent chemist from Australia.  Seriously, the amount of knowledge he has is insane.  He's worked in youth ministry for over fifty years, and has gained so much wisdom in doing so.  The quote above from Winkie is only one of the many things I took from his lectures, but I feel that it's definitely impacted me.


That statement is so sad, but so accurate.  Entertainment is the ONE THING people don't need to LIVE, but will ALWAYS pay money for.  How many times have I seen, even in my own social circle, that people will spend loads of money on movie tickets and then complain about how they can't afford food?  Or can't afford to pay rent?  Two things that are necessary to live--to survive!  


People are becoming more and more willing to put their lives and the lives of their families on the line in order to see the next blockbuster or to buy iTunes' next top album.  Something that won't last or provide any type of nourishment.  Something that definitely will not matter to them later in life.   Something that will be forgotten by the entire nation within a matter of days.  Why do we do it??  Why do we buy into what our culture tells us?  


We're told that we need to pick up a People Magazine to ensure we know exactly how many times Angelina Jolie sneezed yesterday... so we can be up-to-date in our knowledge of pop-culture.  So we won't look or feel stupid for not knowing details in conversation.  Don't get me wrong; I love a good People Magazine from time-to-time.  In fact, People Magazine's website used to be my homepage on my web browser.  It affects me loads, just as I expect it affects other people a ton.  Whether they're aware of it or not.


All of this brainstorming stirs up my passion even more for seeing the entertainment and fashion industries change.  Seriously, I can barely sit still I'm getting so worked up over it.  Because if the entertainment and fashion industries begin to shift, then the state of our nation will shift.  And then the state of our world will shift.  And lives will be changed, and people will be set free from depression and eating disorders and comparison and insecurity and all kinds of strongholds.  And the enemy will be put to rest once and for all.  Because we already know we win.  We're confident of it.  Our precious God has already promised it.  


God's so awesome and I'm so excited to be a part of changing the entertainment and fashion industries for His good.  Whether I'm physically out on the streets ministering to models, actors, and musicians today or not, I know that my prayers are making a difference in the hearts and lives of people in the industry everywhere.  Because God's placed this passion and this desire in my heart for a reason and if I see it through, He's going to see it through as well.  


Love you guys, and hope your Monday is wonderful! 
Nan

Keeping Calm and Carrying On..

I mentioned in last week's blog that I've had a difficult time being here the last couple of weeks because of my SOMD workload and how much I miss my precious family.  I touched a little bit on my family, but I didn't talk too much about my SOMD workload.  In the last two weeks I've been super stressed out with the different things I've needed to get done.  And in the midst of it all, God's really been teaching me to ask for His strength, as opposed to relying on my strength to get things done.  


I was able to teach on identity yesterday morning at church, and I talked a little bit about the fall of man.  We all know the story.  It's in Genesis 3, where Adam and Eve are convinced that they should eat some fruit off the forbidden tree (which we all know was the worst idea ever).  And once they've eaten the fruit, they suddenly know all of this evil that they were never intended to know.  They were no longer innocent to the ways of the enemy.  And all of a sudden man became self-reliant as opposed to God-reliant.  Well, sharing this in church yesterday got me thinking... 


What would happen if we were to act as though the fall of man never took place?  As if we couldn't do anything on our own; we had no other choice but to rely on God.  What if there was no other option, like God meant for it to be?


We wouldn't worry about the amount of things we needed to get done in the day, because we wouldn't know how to worry.  We wouldn't be nervous about whether or not we did well giving a sermon, because we wouldn't know that doing bad was even an option.  We wouldn't compare ourselves to other people, because we wouldn't know what it meant to compare.  I could go on and on, but you get the picture.  It's the perfect world, just as God meant for it to be.


Thinking about this really has me wondering what would happen if, to some extent, I began to act as if the fall never happened.  As though I'm not capable of doing anything on my own.  That I HAVE to rely on God for all of the stresses and hardships I encounter.  Just the way God intended.  Because let's be honest, we all can do things on our own for a season; but at some point it's going to overtake us.  It's going to leave us without any energy or strength to carry on.  And the only way we're going to get back up and carry on is by the strength of God.


So I've decided to take these thoughts on as a challenge, because I've experienced the difference between relying on my strength and relying on God's strength.  And the latter is definitely more life-giving, more encouraging, and wiser than the former.  I'm going to try this out to see if it makes any difference in the way I think about or act upon the various things God's placed in my life.  To really see how well I rely on God's strength as opposed to my own.  


I'll test this and try to remember to let you know how it goes, but feel free to give it a go yourself.  Love you guys and hope you enjoyed your weekend. :)

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."

- 1 Chronicles 16:11 (NIV)